3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
