fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
