My sheets look like a crime scene.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
