still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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