Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
