trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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