you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize