What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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