Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
