Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
