we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
