Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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