Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
