The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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