please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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