Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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