i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
