I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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