I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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