it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
