If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize