My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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