so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
