I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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