Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
