Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
