just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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