dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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