I can tuck mytits in my pants
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
