Me. At least after what I've been through.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
