if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
