So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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