He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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