where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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