i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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