I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
