I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
