apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize