drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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