yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
