where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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