I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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