I cannot find my penis.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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