I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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