watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
