Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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