allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
