When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
