also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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