the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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