my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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