First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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