dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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