theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
