I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
