how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
