you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
