So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Send help, water and tortillas.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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