get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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