ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
